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I canât. No, I canât. My mind is full of wind, raindrops falling into my head. Itâs so dark, so dark inside myself. Iâm falling deeper and deeper; no one would find me. Iâm stuck in the dark but I can hear it â this one little thing in my life. It screams my name every day, every minute, every moment I breathe. When Iâm lying on my bed, I listen to my breathing quietly. I imagine my future. I dream about it with every heartbeat. No, I canât. I canât go, not yet. It doesnât matter where I go; I always find the same door but I just canât walk through it. Something is keeping me here. I would really like to finally see the light. My world isnât always dark; itâs just that beyond this door, itâs a little brighter than it is now, in my heart. I canât stop thinking about that. This door is always there. I think every second about what would happen if I walked through it. I know the answer⊠I would give up everything. I would lose everything but not myself. I would finally live, be happy, feel joy. Yeah? Would I? Insecurity spreads through my body. Fear flows through every vein. I only have this one life. Yeah, I know, I grew up here but I donât want to live here. I want to walk through this door, close it behind me and start a new life. I hear this country; my heart beats fast. I smell the morning, the evening. All the colors are so much more beautiful than here. How can I get through this door? Iâm afraid that one day this door wonât open anymore. I donât have much time; my life is short, too short to see everything my soul wants to see. My head is overflowing like a bathtub. More and more rain falls in my head. Where is the sun? Why⊠why do I love you⊠Without you, everything would be so easy. Without you, everything would be boring. Without you, my life would have no meaning. One day, soon, I will be with you. I will walk through this door. I look forward to your colors. When Iâve passed through this door, when I close the door behind me on the other side, then I will finally be with you. I will breathe your air, eagerly anticipating the tremendous power of your nature, even when you make the earth tremble! It will cost me everything I own and everything I am. You alone are my goal. My heart longs for you with every heartbeat. I canât. I canât leave now but I must. I will go. I want to be with you, to hear your tones, as vibrant as your mountains. I want to feel your seasons, as cherry blossoms gently brush against my skin, as a typhoon lashes rain through the city streets. I want to feel your hot sun rays, to soak up your calm amidst the bustling chaos. Japan, you are the reason why I live. Japan, you are the meaning of my life. I will walk through this door!
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